You know there are times when I genuinely wish that I had the capacity to make large sweeping changes in my life without using anger as the fuel for the fire. I've been spinning my wheels pretty much since I graduated and have been trying to put my finger on specifically why I've been having such a devil of a time making the next major transition in my life which has been the subject of a myriad of my laughably spartan recent posts. You needen't worry this will not be one of them.
I've been spending the first month of 2012 attempting to suss out what some of the bigger things I need to work on this year are and I often find that jotting them here gives them a sense of permanance which is very useful for me when it comes to actually making the slog to do them in a way that the superficial triteness of Facebook just doesn't allow for. So in no particular order are a list of epiphanies I've had of late listed mainly for my own future reference though do feel free to comment if you are so motivated.
-Massachusetts and I either need to hammer out a vastly different relationship or we will need to reach a parting of the ways. First and foremost among these issues is my current work situation. While SSMH was a life-saver for me when I first came to work here it is becoming an increasingly toxic place to work and is beginning to hamstring me as much as it once gave me a sense of job satisfaction.
-I have become complacent and comfortable in my current enviornment and that rarely bodes well for me. On the flip side of this I need to start learning skills to enable me to live somewhere for lengthier periods of time than I have previously in my life unless I want to become some sort of professional transient. That said, however, I've never been one to allow familiarity and comfort to satisfy me when every other fibre of my being is saying it's time to move the hell on. As a result I've downloaded job opportunities and licensure requirements for 4 different states tonight.
-A series of dreams that I've had recently has made it abundantly clear to me that my spiritual side has all but atrophied and withered on the vine and this cannot be allowed to continue. On the plus side, however, I had dreams of a purely beastial nature earlier this week and I cannot even describe how happy this made me. It had been years.
-I need to start writing again.
-I also need to remember that being a skinchanger is inherently in my nature, it always has been and it always will be. It's been growing more difficult to do over the years but this stuck between shapes bullshit that has been my life for the past several years needs to stop and it will stop. I'm no longer giving myself any real choice in the matter.
2012 is going to be an interesting year whether it really wants to or not.
Always a red letter evening when one's personal demons invite themselves to attend.
There is really something to be said for friendships that span multiple incarnations. While a myriad of things obviously change over lifetimes some core things about one's soul do remain the same and those who you've known more than once just fundamentally "get" you in a way that others don't.
The older I get the fewer souls I encounter that "knew me back when". It's nice to know that there are still a few of us mucking about in the corporeal sense of the term.
I know I had endeavored to start keeping this journal with a bit more regularity but work has reared its head and made me once again a ghost online. Not just the usual busyness though god knows we've been getting slammed of late.
I'm actually transitioning jobs (Hopefully) I know that I'm not going to be at South Shore for too too much longer so I opted to apply to be the clinical director of our crisis stabilization unit. Never been management before and not all of it appeals to me but I could use the extra spinach while I round out licensing and it will give me managerial experience on my resume.
Still it means alot of 17+ hour days for the next few weeks. :/
The past several nights at work have been absolutely hellacious. I've seen a ridiculous number of patients each night and some of them have been just downright weird or creepy. So the nights weren't a complete loss. When I get slammed like that though it's just irksome because I get worn down with the feeling that I'm just putting out fires and not actually helping anyone in the long term. There was a time when that was enough for me. I enjoyed the lack of long term interaction and on some level I do still enjoy the prospect of coming into a decidedly fucked up situation and peeling back the layers to figure out what the hell is going on but lately it's just not quite enough.
I managed to have a decent supervision session today. Despite the fact that my supervisor's leaving the agency she's working towards finding me a replacement before she leaves and my boss stated that she understood that I was in a rut and that the agency would work with me to help me work towards licensing. I had to point out that it would be cheaper for them to throw some money towards hiring me a supervisor to get my hours in than it would be to find someone else as good as I am to work the graveyard shift but it was nice to see how quickly she agreed.
Other things are still hugely problematic. Supporting my folks as well as myself is becoming increasingly problematic and is rekindling a lot of old dead emotions that I thought I'd buried ages ago but which I apparently haven't put to bed as well as I'd like. Maybe it's time to get back into therapy myself but that always ends badly. It ends up being an intellectual chess match and not to toot my own horn but...I usually win. Completely counterproductive to the therapeutic process but if my childhood taught me anything it was to bury my emotions good and deep and tell nobody what you're actually thinking. Now it's been ages since I've been that kid but old habits die hard and very few experiences in my life have shown me that people are that much more trustworthy in the real world. Not that I don't trust anybody. Quite the contrary I've made a fair number of good friends in my life but I've also lost quite a few as well. I also find that the older I get the less inclined I am to reach out and meet new people. Months will go by where I only leave my house for work and random errands of necessity.
Still some areas are moving forward which is nice but for whatever reason I can't get genuinely excited about it. Pleased yes. Relieved on some level, absolutely but not excited. I find that I get excited rarely these days. I just feel too...withered I suppose would be the best description.
Still though...some progress is still some progress and I'll take it.
I realized not long ago that I've actually done something that I dreaded doing which was becoming more of a Facebook presence than an LJ one. This is largely because virtually nobody that I know and or give a damn about still posts on LJ. However, occasionally I feel compelled to write something more than a mere soundbite of things going on in my average day and this would be one of those times.
While this has been a theme in previous posts (peruse my backlog if you're interested I'm not one for tagging, linking or otherwise chronicling my post library beyond the occasional mention that yes in the past I have, in fact, made other posts) I find that it's really getting to me these days. I've never dwelt in one solitary place for as long as I've been in Massachusetts and while my old wanderlust is still echoing at the back of my mind, I would appear to have lost the ability to simply pull up stakes and go and I hate that about myself. It made sense for me to stick around during grad school (though I am still savvy enough about myself to realize that I toughed our grad school mostly out of spite. It was implied by someone that they didn't think I'd be able to do it and well...I've never been able to let things like that go. Stupid vanity I know but still I yam what I yam) Though if the truth be told I've been in a bit of a quandary about precisely who and what I "yam" and have been for some time.
There was a time when I could re-invent myself on a dime. I loved it. I'd drop off the face of the Earth for a few months and then pop up someplace new. Not a whole new person by any stretch but a somewhat new-and-improved me better suited to my new circumstances and environment. For whatever reason, despite the fact that I've desperately needed to do this for a couple years at this point, I just can't seem to trigger that regenerative side of myself. I've thinned out my social circle of late which is almost always a good step in that direction for me though I've re-connected with a few old friends as well which is nice but in a lot of ways counter-productive. I know part of it is professional. I was dumb as a box of hammers to opt to go into a profession where I need to be licensed in a state thus in some ways chaining me to that place. The other issue is I honestly have no idea where I'd go even if I did have some sort of energy surge and actually plan to make tracks. Prior to this year I'd have said that either New York or Maine would be my most logical choices but the past several times I've visited NYC it has become abundantly clear to me that my fairly long standing love affair with that place is gone. New York holds no answers for me.
Maine, on the other hand, would put me closer to my family which is both a good and a bad thing but I burned most of my social bridges there over a decade ago and going home again has never been my strong suit. I'd prefer the pace of life there at least at first and not to toot my own horn but professionally I'd become a rather large fish in a small pond. That definitely has its allure but it would also feel like quitting in some way to me and I dislike that notion vehemently. I've also become far less sociable and outgoing in the past decade though I still find that I do need close friends around me on some level. If I moved I'd have to either make all new friends which I find I'm no damned good at anymore or I'd be reduced to attempting to re-kindle friendships that withered on the vine for a reason. While I do still care about my Bennington friends a great deal I couldn't re-join that circle again at this point. Visits and staying in touch is very nice but I couldn't simply re-deposit myself in that particular NYC crew. I've become too anti-social for that. Also I adore the two people I live with which does tend to make stick around this area easy.
I've also become almost completely disconnected with my spiritual side and that's not good for me either but try though I might I honestly don't seem to be able to do much more than glimpse the occasional shimmer out of the corner of my eye.
In the interests of doing at least something different I'm going to make this a public journal again for the remainder of the time I maintain a livejournal but that likely won't be for very much longer. I've a lot more pruning to do and some very large decisions to make and the occasional lengthy rant has helped me do so in the past. However, I also know that when I get like this I have to let some things go from my past and well...to be brutally honest, LJ is my past. Still, I'll keep the old girl going for at least a while longer as I sort and plan and try to figure out precisely why this place and phase of my life has been such an albatross around my neck. During that time feel free to read, feel free to comment but be forewarned I'm not going to be terribly inclined to respond.
Thinking about going to catch District 9 today. Anybody else down? Either respond here or give me a call 857-991-9066.